Let's explore the definition of Friends with Benefits: Two friends who have a sexual relationship without being emotionally involved. Typically two good friends who have casual sex without a monogamous relationship or any kind of commitment. This sounds good on paper, but there are a few variables that everyone tends to ignore. Controlling your emotions is a very difficult task, despite the ground rules and guidelines that should be in place, the more time you spend with each other the worst for both of you in this situation. Both people need to treat Friends with Benefits like a business partnership. Rule #1 We are hooking up to have sex and sex only! There is no dating, courting, no movies, picnics, walking in the park, going to plays, concerts, comedy shows or going out to dinner. The only thing allowed is having a few drinks or smoking whatever your preference if needed, before you indulge in sex.
Rule #2 No Love Making: no gazing into the eyes, massaging, rubbing feet, no kissing, but you may kiss the body, no cuddling after sex, holding hands and no spending the night. However, in this case where you live together please have your own room....so fellas don't give in and let her spend the night she got to go. Rule #3 Discipline, this rule is extremely tough because your mind has to be right! Listen I don't care how good the sex is never ever ever say the words I LOVE YOU. Try not to say anything that makes him/her believe its more than sex and there could be a possible future between you two. Fellas treat her like your home girl and ladies treat him like your home boy. Keep the relationship in the friend zone at all times, feel comfortable talking to other women or men in front of him/her remember you aren't committed to one another. Go out on dates and don't feel like you have to conceal info. If he/she asks let them know you're going out on a date. This gives confirmation and is a constant reminder that its nothing more than the hot sex between you.
If either party catches feelings, a decision must be made to either end the sex and remain friends or try to be in a committed relationship period. So I'm not saying living together as friends with benefits cannot work, but please believe you have your hands full. The sex alone attaches unexpected feelings and emotions even though its just physical. If you want a chance of this working stay focused on following the rules, be honest and treat the situation for what it is.
I think anytime you are involved sexually with someone that you call a friend you already have some form of emotional involvement. I agree that being able to control those emotions is going to be a key part in detrmining the outcome of the situation. I think as long as both parties are honest and upfront with their expectations they give the other party the right to choose if this is a situation they are comfortable living in. When you are friends you can go to the movies and bowling ect without it being an emotional issue. if you want someone that you are just going to meet up with, cut and leave then you want a jump off. The beautiful part about having a friend with benefits is that you hopefully have built that trust and understanding to a degree where you can live in the same house and maintain the relationship on a friendly basis. Honesty, Maturity and true friendship is the key.
ReplyDeleteBeing honest & mature is huge in this circumstance. My issue is why put yourself in a position where a potential relationship can actually develop. Going out together sends the wrong message you cannot have sex with your friend and think everything is cool without some rules to follow. This will not end well you might actually become enemies. If you or someone you know is trying this please be careful
DeleteThe relationship was already developing when you became intimate. If you are someone that wants to be single the rest of your life then this type of arrangement will not work but if you are open to getting closer to someone and forming a bond then this is the way to go. I have had this type of relationship in the past and it did not grow into a committed union because we simply weren't ready for that at that point in our lives but because we were able to be honest and mature during our relationship we are able to remain friends to this day without the benefit of sex. For me the benefit is growing a friendship with another.
DeleteInteresting topic! This happens more than some are willing to admit. This is a recipe for disaster. Any kind a relationship has to be a healthy one. This kind of relationships says a lot about a person. Your self worth and value is shortchanged in the catastrophic in this situation. Intimacy without being intimate? Love making with no affection? You can't even take this to the next level! There are boundaries friends cannot cross and still be considered just a friend. It won't work! Such a great design between two individuals was preset only for marriage! Carmecia K.
ReplyDeleteI agree....if we are living together we are either roommates or a couple bottom line. You cannot do what couples do and then go back to being roommates because you don't feel like being bothered. Make a choice and you said it best once lines are crossed as friends things will never be the same!
ReplyDeleteI don't think most WOMEN are equipped to handle these type of relationships in the first place. No matter how hard we try to act, eventually our emotions will catch up with us. Honestly, I think a good number of women settle for a friends with benefits relationship thinking that they can make it something more substantial down the road. So with that said, how likely is it that a FWB situation can turn into something more substantial? Is it tough for a guy to consider a serious relationship with a woman if you started out as only friends with benefits?
ReplyDeleteI am not. Its hurting me ore then anything.
DeleteI think a FWB situation can turn into more, but a honest conversation is needed between the two. If you are feeling more for this person express and vice versa, just be prepared if the feelings aren't mutual.Guys usually enjoy this situation because its no pressure of being in a committed relationship and can still reap the benefits.It is tough for a guy to consider something serious especially since it started out just being FWB because you don't want to ruin the friendship that has been established!
ReplyDeleteTrue, but once you add sex to the equation, isn't the friendship already ruined? I know you said that it's possible, but how likely is it to turn into more? Just because it's possible, doesn't mean it's likely, right? What I'm getting from your post is that women really need to be upfront and honest about what they are looking for and not bank on being an exception to the rule (FWB turning into a real relationship). I'll share this post with a few of my girlfriends who really need to hear this. Good read and great discussion.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't necessarily say that the friendship is ruined because you both are supposed to be friends first and you chose to participate in FWB. When both parties agree to FWB the expectations cannot be two high. Most women like you said are in high hopes of it blossoming into something more, but you can't be mad when it doesn't. There is about a 60% chance of FWB turninig into something more substantial. It depends on if that man wants a relationship or not and thats why communication is key, so he knows where you stand. If you are feeling him let it be known, but don't give him an ultimatum you will only run him away. 40% of the time FWB isn't a good look if you want a real relationship, especially if you follow my guidelines and rules. Thanks for the love & support......stay tuned !
ReplyDeleteWhat?!? 60%!!!! Those aren't bad odds at all! LOL! Looking forward to your next post.
DeleteOk, this is Tamyko from work and here is my take on this whole thing. I think that you have over-complicated the issue. Reason being, the title of whatever is going on between the two people is FRIENDS with BENEFITS. Why take the friendship aspect out of it just because you started having sex? As friends, you went out together to movies and the like. Why not still do that? As adults, you should have and be clear on the understanding of what the title implies. You are two friends who are having sex.No more. No less. Nothing else should go beyond that, but don't take away from it, either.
ReplyDeleteT. Lynn N. my point exactly! Maturity and communication is key, but has to take place before you smash. I'm a testament that FWB can work (seriously!), and my friend was my roommate (yes its true). We respected our living arrangements, and we both went into the situation with our eyes wide open. Only issue we had was me cooking meat and thr smell (he is vegan). Because we knew where we stood there was no issue with us coming and going as we pleased. None of that dealing in feelings ish! We both dated but were not in a relationship with any other person so there was no deceit. Yes, we got it in, but we still were able to hang out together and sit in a dark movie theater without getting hot and bothered. We were friends before FWB and our relationship to this day is intact. I was even in his wedding..
ReplyDeleteMy fwb treats me like I'm the shit and expects me to not b emotional.but is very honest at least I think.is he playing on my emotions or am I as he says just hurting myself(we just friends.I know he seeing someone else but still calls wen he's not here to make sure I'm OK. I'm so confused.angry most times I don't wanna b nobody's fool.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you're single and he has someone but you have developed feelings for him. If that's the case it's time to come back to the table and renegotiate the terms of the fwb. You have to make a decision because you are officially the side chick. This changes things because the playing wasn't even. Remember it's going to be extremely tough for him to leave his safety blanket which is his primary girls. I suggest you tell him how you feel and let him decide if he wants to continue this path or not. On the other hand you have to be ok with his answer because you knew the situation from the beginning. How can you be mad!
DeleteI am a female & have a friends with benefits. I can honestly say it is the best thing I have ever agreed to. We started months ago and there has been no form of attachment whatsoever...just a great friendship and amazing sex! We both talk/ get to know other people, go on dates, etc... & we are very open about it! We even give each other advice on the dating life. I was always scared to have this type of "relationship" with a friend because of stories of people who end up falling in love with their fwb & ending heartbroken or simply hating each other. Lucky for me we a strong friendship with a lot of trust & a lot of communication!
ReplyDeleteI hope things continue to work out for you but remember you can't control your emotions and how you feel about a person. If the sex is awesome and y'all are clicking it's only a matter of time where you will want and think about having this person all to yourself. You will no longer be comfortable sharing him. Just food for thought!
DeleteI think your post is very interesting, from my point of view I believe that part of what u are implying is true. There will be feelings and emotions if the situation gets out of hands and u start treating eachother as best friends, cuddle bodies etc. On the other heand, woman is most likely to start having feelings too fast, men can still feel as if there is no commitment at all and at the same time act like if he is in love with u. I had a friend with benefits when I was 23 and this guy will jist meet me to have sex and party, do crazy stuff together but nothing else, no text messaging after the event, no dates.. Etc he completely disappeared till next time to have sex, I never developed strong feelings cuz we did it right. Now month ago I started having a FWB relationship with a guy, but we felt extremely attracted to eachother that we started hanging out almost every days, we started sleeping together all the time, he acted like he can't live without me but still say he doesn't want commitment and all of that ended up wrong, I felt so attached that things started to hurt, I started thinking that he was amazing and that I wanted a real thing, and part of that I could say is his fault too. I never told him the true but we end up living together and I had to run away one month later cuz I was falling for him so much and he wasn't helping. I have been trying now not to be too close, but he always look for me. �� An advise is not to let this kind of situation go too far or u will get a broken heart..
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ReplyDeleteIve been in this situation for nearly 2yrs. I have tried several times to have the talk. He just says "we are here, in this moment and time, let's enjoy" lmao
I love it. And maybe this is how love goes. Why do I need a label to define the level of commitment? We have no problems, never faught, argued so far in all this time. Yes, I want more, but that's up to me to leave to seek more, since I'm not getting it here. However, why in the hell would I be single alone, looking to start over and invest this energy all over again? That's dumb. I have a lack of more affection in this arrangement, yes. But, it's a matter of being exactly were we are in that very moment. I can't ask him to change who he is. All I can do is be very comfortable, secure and confident within myself to know the affection I do show, may or may not be returned, however I don't need his to validate my being. Simply if I want more, go get it. I think women try to change and anchor a man. You shouldn't. We are in the path for a reason in that time, you can't ever expect anyone to commit their entire future to be with just you. Life is learning and a journey, how could you hold anyone back from their full potential? You shouldn't. You should feel good enough about yourself and what you have in store. To allow your fwb the freedom to do the same. I wish my relationship well, and no one to get hurt. I'm a female very grounded and in control of my emotions. Perhaps is why we have not once had an argument, not sure. Im not a doormate either, lol we both have our own lives, we respect that completely. I love him very much, however, if he called it quits, it would sting some, but nothing shattering. Lol
Ladies need to get a hold of yourself, quit needing a guy to validate who you are. Understanding lifes journey, you won't be so hurt when your man finds another woman or can't stay committed or faithful. Lol he must carry on in his life. If it was meant to involve you, then you would be there. Know thyself, love thyself, you will survive any type of relationship breakups. Maybe because of how i flow, he likes me in his path. Who knows, it's happy, and we are living.
ReplyDeleteIve been in this situation for nearly 2yrs. I have tried several times to have the talk. He just says "we are here, in this moment and time, let's enjoy" lmao
I love it. And maybe this is how love goes. Why do I need a label to define the level of commitment? We have no problems, never faught, argued so far in all this time. Yes, I want more, but that's up to me to leave to seek more, since I'm not getting it here. However, why in the hell would I be single alone, looking to start over and invest this energy all over again? That's dumb. I have a lack of more affection in this arrangement, yes. But, it's a matter of being exactly were we are in that very moment. I can't ask him to change who he is. All I can do is be very comfortable, secure and confident within myself to know the affection I do show, may or may not be returned, however I don't need his to validate my being. Simply if I want more, go get it. I think women try to change and anchor a man. You shouldn't. We are in the path for a reason in that time, you can't ever expect anyone to commit their entire future to be with just you. Life is learning and a journey, how could you hold anyone back from their full potential? You shouldn't. You should feel good enough about yourself and what you have in store. To allow your fwb the freedom to do the same. I wish my relationship well, and no one to get hurt. I'm a female very grounded and in control of my emotions. Perhaps is why we have not once had an argument, not sure. Im not a doormate either, lol we both have our own lives, we respect that completely. I love him very much, however, if he called it quits, it would sting some, but nothing shattering. Lol
Ladies need to get a hold of yourself, quit needing a guy to validate who you are. Understanding lifes journey, you won't be so hurt when your man finds another woman or can't stay committed or faithful. Lol he must carry on in his life. If it was meant to involve you, then you would be there. Know thyself, love thyself, you will survive any type of relationship breakups. Maybe because of how i flow, he likes me in his path. Who knows, it's happy, and we are living.
My fwb started when I was married he called me his business partner. He told me I’m everything he looked for in a woman I was just married we stopped sex while I was married here I am divorced and we live together until I move in a few weeks. We do relationship things family dinners cookouts stuff like that. When I tell him I’m stepping out he gets attitudes. He told me he just wanted to fuck but he loves me and he wanted to do him because he spend so much time in prison excuses excuses what men use who’s afraid to commit but we sleep in the same bed every night has joint bank accounts.. relationship type shit
ReplyDeleteMost women don’t know this... but even if a man is attracted to you or even says he loves you...
ReplyDelete...chances are he still feels something is missing.
Because there is a secret, emotional need hidden within his heart that he craves more than anything.
And in most cases, is not being met.
The problem is, if it’s not being met, his attention will inevitably wander until he finds a woman who can give it to him.
Maybe one in a thousand women knows how to do this instinctively, and they usually rise to unbelievable levels of influence and fame.
But most women, or men for that matter, don’t even know it exists.
On the other hand, when you have this 1 simple secret...
You won’t believe the shocking effect you have on the men in your life.
Here’s a video I discovered that shows you exactly what I’m talking about:
==> Here’s what I’m talking about: <=========> He’ll give his heart to the first woman who does THIS...
Best,
Ana
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ReplyDeletePros and Cons of Being in an FWB Relationship
ReplyDeleteFriends with benefits were seen as a way to avoid commitment but now it's been a perfect deal where one remains single yet not deprived of sex